Why won’t my boss listen or engage with me?
In the last few days, I’ve been approached by three people keen to discuss issues they’re experiencing with their boss, but their boss doesn’t want to engage! Each time someone came to me with this problem, one of the first questions I asked was why? Why won’t your boss engage? This isn’t an easy question to answer, especially when they aren’t there to answer it themselves! So, what can you do if you have a manager that won’t engage? I have a few ideas:
Try to figure out the why
Try viewing it from their perspective: Let’s try to get in their headspace for a moment and figure out why they may not be engaging. There are many reasons why someone might avoid us at work, and if we can consider some of the reasons, it can make us a bit more empathetic in our understanding. Ask yourself:
Does your boss have huge pressures and high workloads?
Are they fearful of having difficult conversations?
Do they not know how to have a conversation?
Do you think they know how important this matter is to you?
"In the absence of communication, the void fills with assumptions, rumours, and misinformation."
Self-Reflection: It’s often a good idea to take a moment and look at ourselves to see if we might be part of the problem. Are they avoiding us on purpose because of our approach? Ask yourself:
Have I been approachable in my communication style?
What does my body language say about me when I speak?
Was my message clear?
Have I historically handled conversations poorly?
Once you have had time to process things from a few different perspectives, you may find yourself being more empathetic towards them, or you may have realised that your previous communication style may not have been as good as it could have been. If you are still struggling, another great idea is to seek the perspective of someone completely impartial. That way any un/conscious biases we may have towards ourselves and/or our boss can be drastically reduced.
When it comes to communicating with our boss, Try approaching the matter (wherever possible) with a positive and empathetic mindset that focuses on exploring solutions more so than the problems.
Here are a few ways you could try reaching out:
Schedule a formal meeting
Send a calendar invite or a formal email requesting a specific time to discuss your concerns. Clearly outline the purpose of the meeting to emphasise its importance. This shows that you respect their time and are serious about the discussion.
Catch them at the right time
Notice when your manager seems less busy or more relaxed, such as early in the morning or after lunch. Approach them briefly during these times to request a longer conversation at their convenience. This is useful if the conversation you need to have is informal. Don’t fall into the trap of asking for a minute and then proceeding to talk for 30 minutes. Be realistic with your timing. Chris Fenning talks about this in his book “The first Minute”.
Use multiple communication channels
Send a concise and polite email outlining your need to discuss specific matters. Use internal messaging tools for a quick, less formal request. Sometimes, a quick call can be more effective than emails or messages.
Follow up persistently but politely
Politely remind your manager if they haven’t responded to your initial request. Keep a record of your requests and follow up with documentation if needed. Consistent and respectful follow-up shows your dedication and the importance of the issue.
If none of these tips seem to be working, there is a good chance that there is a much deeper issue that needs exploring. It might be the right time to seek the help of someone else, or even have a conversation with your HR department to see if they can help.
If you want to learn about my difficult conversation framework that will help you have a successful conversation, email me at james@jamescoomber.com where I can help guide you further.
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